Double Life

So I feel bad sometimes. I feel like I am living in two parallel worlds. I always have two outlooks to a situation or two feelings. And I always feel bad that I think about something in two different ways......let me give an example;

Logan got a 100% on a spelling test. This is huge. I mean this is ginormous. 'We' have been working toward this for a very long time. Not just to take the test, but to get every word correct. I was so happy for him and proud that he was able to accomplish something that I don't think, he thought could happen.

Flip-side

I feel like life is absorbed by homework and spelling tests and doctor appointments and preschool and getting to school on time and laundry and dishes and cleaning and potty training and folding clothes and vacuuming and grocery shopping and bill paying and on and on and on. I know this is my lot, and I know that I am where I am because of choices I made but, come on. I feel like I am in a 'vacuum'. To be crushed as soon as I am sucked in all the way; to be crushed into complete nonexistence.

So, there it is. The two sided, crazy psychological batter over emotions. I guess the positive side of it all is that I acknowledge the duality. The negative is trying to figure out if it is a battle of good and evil, or if it is just a emotional balance that needs to coexist. And trying to filter all the crap that gets stuck in between the 'little bits'.

I really don't think that anyone can give me an answer. I think that this is one of those lessons that comes to each individual in a very specific way, and the enlightenment comes to each individual separately. Through their own study, meditation, and inward reflection.

Maybe filtering out the outside negative influence and distractions is the key to this. Problem is when all that is around you detours from that inner peace how do you not completely close off and implode.

The easy answer is move to Hawaii and drink out of coconuts for the rest of my life. Or maybe not. I would settle for a little cabin in the woods. Not sure how I could simplify more then I already have. Most of the time when you simplify too much you end up making things more complicated. Now I believe it is time to contemplate.

I will work on that inward reflection and filtering of distractions........for now..........

Running.....

Ok....so who decided that running was a good idea? even if you were not being chased! We shall see how this running thing works out. I have never been a runner even when I was in the best shape ever and at 10,000feet above see level.

I can hike for as long as you want; up hills, down hills, rocks, mud. But run! I really am trying to stay positive, but as you can read it is a struggle. Appropriate cliche: No pain, no gain.

I am so excited that Logan is enjoying school. He talks about school all the time. If you ask him about it he has a long story to tell you. He is doing better on his work to. Curious how the other end of the school story is going for the teacher.

Makenzie and Porter are going stir crazy. We have started working more on letters and sounds. It is such a difference....Porter came to me today and didn't want a 'color' book he wanted to do 'homework'-a tracer book. Finally, kids that want to learn and don't think I am 'tricking' them into 'hardness'.

Finding Joy in Adversity...................................

I wanted to post but feel like I have no 'voice'. So here are people who had a voice.
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A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello

You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far. ~Uncle Remus

Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take. You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack. ~Author Unknown


If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark

We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. ~Charles C. West


Things are never so bad they can't be made worse. ~From the movie The African Queen
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Out of all of these sayings that try to make me feel better....this is the one that I feel (from experiencing my short list of trials) is the best and provides most insight.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus. ~Robert Brault

Obstacles

Noun: A thing that blocks one's way or prevents or hinders progress.

Day one of really trying hard to get healthy. Trying to stay focused and remember my body is a divine gift.

Day started off pretty good. After Logan was at school pumped the babies up for some aerobics. Porter raced in the house and went straight for the pantry. I thought to myself, "So soon? Come on Porter beans aren't for breakfast. I hate it when he helps himself to pantry food."

"Mama, mama, no, no. We need cans!" He remembered from the last time I tried to exercise in the morning that I need weights (have none so use cans). Yea, my baby is trying to help me!

They weren't really excited for aerobics after about 5 minutes. Kenz started crying because I wouldn't pause it for her to go to the bathroom. Porter wanted granola bars, etc. I really am surprised I didn't fall and hurt myself or kick one of them in the head.

Now it is the end of this very long day......which just didn't go smoothly......on any level. Everyone just had a rough day. Oh, sweet cookie dough in the freezer.....you and I should have a rendez-vous.

Yes I did have cookie dough, but I kept track of my food today. And maybe I should not of had as many as I did......I am still a work in progress. Points for me I hope, I did add up all the cookie dough calories and put them in my food journal. Tomorrow is another chance to be better.

Christmas!

Started getting ready for Christmas day after Thanksgiving. I don't normally do that, but this year I thought it might take me the whole month of December to actually get everything together. I was right. There are still some things I still haven't done and it is already the 21st! Crazy or therapy? Not sure which, I ended up making a gingerbread house. Hadn't made one in so long. It turned out cute, even though I didn't have candy to decorate it. Looking forward to having a happy rest of December!

Little Things

Been thinking a lot about being in the 'mass' of it. Being in the middle of all of the scary, wonderful, hard, intense, miraculous, etc. stuff out there in the big bad world. Sometimes it is hard to get a stance to view the situation. But then again sometimes, I have found, it isn't the big situation that really matters.

I think many little things piled high on top of one another can be just as troublesome (if not more) then one big thing. It is hard to pick off each little thing one at a time and deal with it. It seems so endless or never ending. At least with the big stuff you just take that one big leap toward it and tackle with all your might.

Balance is always the answer. Understanding how to balance all aspects of ones life. It is also the little things that are most rewarding. Huge accomplishments are amazing, but the little victories or celebrations along the way make the path so much more 'do-able'. When you think you don't want to get out of bed and face it all again something little can make the difference; the warm sun on your face, a giggle, the smell of something enticing, a kiss, warm blankets, perfume, warm shower, slippers, pigtails, or maybe a chance to adventure with a new/old friend.

Halloween 2010

We had a really nice time this year in our neighborhood. A lot of the families in the ward by where we live got together the night before Halloween, we did Trick-or-Treating at each others houses and had a BBQ. It was really nice to sit and enjoy some company.

It makes me wonder if the relationships we form right now will be still tight in 40 years. There is comfort in anticipating being in our house for a long time and having the same family friends for so long. It just takes me back to when I grew up, and all of the people that formed connections with my family.

My kids played with all of the other kids and they had a great time. No drama or angst. I just love it! Everyone enjoying being together and having a good time.

Isn't that what life should be about; sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of the street with your 'Velma' costume on....eating a cheddar-werst....watching 'Daphne', 'Fred', and the 'Vampire' monster ride scooters with family friends.