I thought the sun had come out.....and then I tried to sleep tonight. What is my problem? You would think I am pregnant. I don't want to go to church tomorrow. This isn't like me. Not sure if it is just because I don't want to battle children. I have pretty much the easiest calling, and I don't particularly like it.
I think about it and I want to cry. I have asked twice if I only have 5 minutes and I am told yes. How do you teach a new song in 5 minutes(to people that may or may not have a music background). That isn't even enough time to sing the whole song. I have had a couple of people offer "help", like they are trying to make things more interesting. Why don't people "get it"? I have 5 minutes!!! This just makes me feel more alienated by ward members. I have gone over my time twice in two years, and both times been politely reminded that we need to make sure that we leave time for the teacher. Really...... can I just scream. One of those screams that you open your mouth as wide as you can, and try with all your might but no sounds escapes. Yes, that would be me.
So here is the real question. Do I, Jeanette, fit in? Have I ever really fit in? Sure, I am very capable of making niceties, but do I belong. Last Sunday for example, I wonder how many people in RS caught on that I could have broken down in tears at any given moment. This is huge since I have to get up 3 times in RS. That is more then even the person conducting. I would say no one knew. No one.
Is this their fault? Not really. How do you fit in a group of people without it being fake? How do you belong? How do you find your place amongst the crowd? I feel like I have been visiting for an extended period of time. I could leave at any moment and people would remember me, but not be bothered. When or how does the feeling of comfort come? Is it something I need to do or say or evoke? Is it really this complicated? I am here.....I can't find my place. I've been trying for 5 years. I still feel lost. Is it possible to know your purpose and still feel lost? Or is this complicated emotion the realization that you really don't know your purpose?
Once when I was expressing the same emotions you are here to a group of Relief Society sisters the discussion went to fitting in and four of the women in the group felt the same way I did. They agreed they could come to church and leave and no one would care or notice. That got me to thinking if that many of us were suffering in "quiet desperation" and we were the only ones who had the gutts to admit to it than didn't I have some responsiblity to change that? From that day on I have tried not to sit alone, say hello to people first, ask how people are doing, try to find a commonality with sisters I normally would not talk to (how is your son doing on his mission? don't even know her son). I did not agree to come down here and do my mortality alone. That is one of the reasons Sunday is so important. We are to meet together and fellowship each other. During good times and bad. There is a reason quilting is such a heritage for our church sisters. Spending those long winters stuck in doors puts a whole new meaning to "cabin fever". Sisters need time to nurture and serve each other. Those opportunities are theraputic and fill our souls. We get lost without them. You know your purpose. You just have an empty cup and you are thirsty. Go to the well and drink. Refresh yourself!
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